8 Date Topics That Will Keep the Flame of Love Alive

For many couples, going on dates regularly is a challenge. There can be many obstacles, such as not having any ideas about where to go or what to do there. It is also a common challenge to initiate conversations about topics that are important to the relationship. It is so easy to put off conversations about important but difficult topics.

This article is a summary of the book “8 Dates: The Essential Conversations for Lifelong Love” by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. The authors of the book have woven two interesting areas into one: dates and conversations about topics that affect relationships in the long term.

Do your goals, personalities, and beliefs align? By following the authors' recommendations, you will hopefully get answers to these questions and also deepen your relationship by adding more love to it.

From all sorts of important topics, the authors have selected eight topics that are important for a long-lasting relationship. One topic per date. For example, if you take one of these dates once a month, you can definitely get around in a year. And why not do it every year.

The order of the dates is not important.

First theme: trust and commitment are the cornerstones of any lasting relationship

Start by asking yourself what trust and commitment mean to you. For me, commitment to a relationship means being there for your spouse. It also means avoiding situations that could lead to infidelity. Such situations should be avoided in any case, because regardless of what exactly happens there, they negatively affect trust.

Instead of looking for someone else who doesn't have your partner's flaws and weaknesses, talk openly about your feelings and needs with your spouse.

To prepare for a date about trust and commitment:

• Think about what trust and commitment mean to you personally.
• It may be helpful to think about your parents and how trust and commitment influenced the home you grew up in.
• Additionally, recall some examples of how your spouse has recently shown commitment to you.

When you're on a date, communication is very important. Take turns asking each other questions like:

• When was the last time you didn't trust me and what could I have done differently?
• What can I do to show my commitment to you and our relationship?
• How do our definitions of trust and commitment differ, and how can we address these differences?

When it comes to choosing a location for your first date, you should be sure to choose a place that you both like and where you both feel safe and comfortable, without anyone bothering you or disturbing you.

Second topic: Conflict is part of every relationship, but there is a right way to fight

All couples argue. In fact, arguments can be therapeutic and a healthy way to express your differences and get to know each other.

The ability to resolve conflicts is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship. Research shows that the happiest couples are those who are able to resolve conflicts, listen to their partner, and try to see the other person's perspective.

Before a conflict-related date:

• Start individually and each make a list of topics where you have significantly different understandings. For example, housework, children, how to use money, etc.
• As you make your list, you can also think about ways to overcome these conflicts. However, consider the possibility that some differences cannot be eliminated.

Once your homework is done, it's time to go on a date. It's best to choose a more private place for this one, in case things get too heated.

• Speak and listen in order! (and under no circumstances interrupt each other)
• Take each topic from your list one by one, explain why it is important to you, and what possible compromises you see.
• It may also be helpful to discuss how conflicts were resolved in your childhood home and how this affects you today.

This date may end in conflict, but there are ways to heal those fresh wounds right away. For example, once the argument has cooled down a bit:

• share with each other what you felt during the conflict
• try to understand what started it and how you can avoid such a conflict in the future
• discuss how you could behave better during your next conflict.

Remember that beautiful places often take a difficult path.

Topic Three: Sex and Intimacy Can Be Difficult Topics for Some Couples, but They're Important to Talk About

For some reason, few couples talk openly about sex on a date. However, studies show that couples who discuss their sex lives openly have more sex than those who don't. And women in such couples have more orgasms.

This dating can be particularly difficult for couples who come from very different backgrounds. The authors give the example of one couple, Katya and Ethan.

Katya grew up in a family where sex was discussed openly, but Ethan said his father fainted when he heard the word “vagina.” But by using the following questions, they were able to successfully make this date happen.

Preparing for a date:

• Something romantic could be the perfect setting, a candlelit dinner at a restaurant or a secluded beachside picnic. This date should be romantic — if it goes well, it could end in lovemaking. Dress accordingly!
• Before you go on a date, brainstorm ways to talk about sex with your partner. If talking about sex is difficult, figure out why. There is no right or wrong way to do it. The key is honesty and openness.

Once the date is over, it's time to ask and answer some questions.

• What are your best sexual experiences with each other?
• What activities in your spouse turn you on?
• What sexual activities would you like to try but haven't dared to ask?

When answering these questions, keep the following in mind: Be very specific when answering questions about what body parts you like to be touched or what your favorite positions are. Being vague will only create more confusion.

Fourth theme: Resolving work and money issues is an important part of a good relationship

The topic of work and gender roles has become much more equal and fairer in recent decades, but despite this, the topic continues to be relevant in society and also affects our close relationships. For example, in 2017, Estonia had the largest gender pay gap in the EU.

We often take it for granted in families when a family member does a significant portion of the housework. This could be a husband, wife, or another close relative. Whether that work is looking after the children, cooking, repairing something, maintaining equipment, washing clothes, etc. If these tasks had to be purchased as a service, it would have a significant impact on the family budget.

It is said that housework in the US would cost around $90,000 a year if you had to hire someone to do it. For comparison, the average annual income there is around $45,000 to $100,000. So, we are talking about hiring two people with the average salary.

But how do gender roles affect relationships? Pew Research found in 2007 that sharing household chores is the third most important component of a long-lasting relationship, right after fidelity and a healthy sex life.

When preparing for a date, ask yourself the following questions:

• Did your parents have savings?
• Did you go on vacation regularly?
• How frugal were your parents?

Once you've answered these questions, it's time to go on a date — and it should be as inexpensive as possible — no fancy restaurants. Consider buying takeout and having a date at home.

On a date:

• Share your family history related to money.
• Then each of you tell each other three ways your partner contributes to the relationship — financially or otherwise — that you really appreciate.
• Be open to sharing your hopes and fears about money and the future.

When it comes to work, gender roles, and spending money, it's not so important how exactly they are organized in your family, but rather that all parties are happy with the situation and that there are as few gray areas as possible.

Fifth topic: What concerns family and children is a serious matter and requires in-depth discussion

Disagreements over having or raising children can be a cause for divorce. Children can also drain your bank account. Raising a child to the age of 18 in America costs an average of 192,000 euros (about $10,680 per year).

John Gottman claims, based on his research, that couples who have a child within the first four years of marriage experience a 67% drop in marital happiness. And that lost marital happiness doesn't come back until the children are out of the nest — if they're still married, of course.

How to deal with this issue with children? First, both parents need to be involved in the pregnancy and birth. Studies show that when the father is involved in the pregnancy and birth, there is less risk of conflict and the likelihood that marital happiness will not decrease.

Second, parents need to prioritize intimacy with each other. It's important to stay in touch regularly, whether through dates or constant communication.

The dating questions that should be talked about are pretty obvious.

• What is your ideal family like?
• Does this include children?
• If so, how much?
• What problems could arise with raising children?
• How could you prevent or overcome these problems?

If you have decided not to have children, this date is still worth it. Family is not just about children. In this case, you can talk about each other's closest family members and how to strengthen your relationship with them. These can be relatives or friends.

Theme Six: Play and Adventure Are Central to a Lasting Relationship

Dear listener, when was the last time you and your partner went on an adventure? Or did you just act a little silly together? If this question is hard to answer, then it's probably time to bring a little playfulness into your relationship.

Howard Markman, director of the Center for Marriage and Family Research at the University of Denver, has been studying playfulness in couples since 1996. And the numbers speak for themselves — couples who play and laugh regularly are happier.

The sixth date is all about play and adventure. To prepare:

• Think of all sorts of fun activities you could do together. Especially things you haven't done in a while or haven't tried at all. (a concert, a dance class, playing in the mud in the rain, etc.)

Once you have a list of possible activities, it's time to go on a date. The date could be something adventurous or playful, but you should also find time to chat.

• What does adventure mean to you and your partner?
• What was the last thing you remember doing just for fun?
• What adventures do you want to have before you die?
• Compare the lists you brought and see which activities overlap.

Some couples may find that their lists are very different, but don't be intimidated. Adventure is all about trying new things. What activities on your partner's list are you willing to try?

Theme Seven: Growth is a natural part of every relationship, and finding spiritual meaning can be part of it.

Some say change is good, others say change is necessary. Change in relationships is simply inevitable. We change, our spouse changes, and our relationship changes.

The authors cite Erica and Jake as an example. Erica decided to give up her well-paid job in marketing and pursue her dream of becoming an artist. Jake supported her every step of the way, knowing how important it was to her. Their savings dried up and they had to move to a smaller apartment. They gave up simple things like television. But at every step of the change, they talked through what was happening around them and supported each other in these life-changing decisions. In Erika’s words, they have — “The best life!” They may not have a lot of money, but they have meaning and are there for each other.

The seventh date is about development and spirituality. Before going on a date:

• Find out which of your goals overlap?
• Do you have common goals?
• Does your spouse appreciate your achievements?
• What do you want to achieve in life?
• You can also bring one thing with you on your date, something that honors your partner. It could be a photo or something special.

There are several important spiritual issues to discuss when dating:

• Was your spouse religious as a child?
• What does he hold sacred?
• How does he find inner peace in difficult times?
• What beliefs would he like to pass on to his children?

Spirituality goes hand in hand with the meaning of life and development, so be prepared for a deep philosophical conversation.

Eighth theme: To create lifelong love, always respect your partner's dreams

We all have our dreams, but not everyone takes the time to work towards them. Today's fast-paced life makes it difficult to balance family, full-time work, and dreams.

How important is having dreams to you? How can you help your partner move towards their dreams?

Doug and Rachel were inseparable and head over heels in love early in their relationship. But Doug had a dream — he wanted to go to Israel for a year to search for his roots. Although Rachel was sad at first, she knew she couldn't stand in the way of Doug's dreams. So she encouraged him to go.

When Doug returned, he planned to join Rachel in New York to start climbing the career ladder together. But Rachel's dreams had changed. She had decided to go 3,000 km away to attend medical school. For Doug, the decision was clear - he gave up his New York dreams and moved in with Rachel. Through this sacrifice, Rachel felt loved.

The topic of the last, eighth date is dreams. To prepare for the date:

• Make a list of your dreams, the stories behind them, and how your spouse can help you move toward them.
• Also write down any shared dreams you have discussed in the past, noting how you can help each other with them.
• The location for this date could be something inspiring, why not a place where you can watch the sunset.

This date is a time to go deep, questions should cover the following topics:

• Did you have dreams as a child?
• Did your parents help you achieve them?
• Which dream is most important to you?
• Once you've learned about your partner's dreams, it's time to figure out how to show respect for them.

Dreams tend to be the ones that get sacrificed to the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Don't let that happen. Write down your dreams, talk them through with your partner, and take one small step every day that will lead you towards your dream. Even if it's just a tiny step.

Summary

Every relationship depends on good communication, whether you've been married for a long time or are still on your honeymoon. To keep your relationship strong and high-quality, meet regularly, enjoy each other's company, and talk.

And why not organize themed dates on the topics we talked about: trust and commitment, conflict resolution, sex and intimacy, work and money, family and children, play and adventure, growth and spirituality, and dreams.

Quality conversation hygiene

Before we go on dates, let's quickly remind ourselves what polite conversation looks like.

Communication is a two-way street, you shouldn't be distracted by other things while you're communicating. Listening is just as important as talking. Turn off your phone, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in your partner and what they're saying.

One way to demonstrate active listening is to ask relevant questions after your partner has finished speaking. For example, you might ask, “Could you elaborate on that?” or, “Do you have a story to tell about what you just said?” This shows that you were actively listening and may make them consider you a trustworthy conversationalist.